in which the english language is hilariously abused

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. (forwarded to me by my friend Mark)

- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

(and my favorites...)

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.