this is your life, are you who you want to be?

a seemingly insignificant occurrance of events led to a conversation in my head that has been welling up for some time. for how long, i can't say... there have been times where it seeps out, venting small clouds into my thought proccess, but never fully taking over. it was always squelched and smushed back down into dormancy, and i would continue about my everyday life... with everyday problems, everyday annoyances, everyday disappointments, and an everyday me.

but i'm getting ahead of myself. first i'll go back to the "occurrance." I had an evening out tonight with some friends - Julie, Beth, and Amber - for dinner and a movie. The movie of choice being "The Nanny Diaries." (now, don't give up on me just yet.) The credits were rolling - on this film that stressed that money can't buy you happiness, that showed just to what extremes materialism can go, and that people can get so caught up in having the latest thing, the latest trend, the latest convenience. I reached for my purse, and in the process of unzipping the front pocket, stopped. Did i really need to turn on my cell phone just now? I hadn't been expecting any calls, and i wasn't planning on making any.... but yet i still had this feeling that i should turn it on, because that's just what you do. And to NOT do so? would be social, technological, and 21st century anarchy. in defiance of what my instinct told me to do i said, "hmph. i am not turning on my cell phone. take that." and sighed just the tiniest bit of weighless relief - at which point i turned to my left to find the three faces of my friends alit with the bluish glow of a fresh cell phone screen, staggered perfectly for my vantage point, gazing intently down towards their hands, as if this were scripted.

Now, the moment lasted only fleetingly, and then we were up and on the move - but on the drive home from the theater my mind had been set in motion. Everything in my life seems so much about DOing, but not really at all about BEing. How am I ever supposed to know who i really am if i can't see through all of the stuff i'm doing? The murky stagnant pond that has become the everyday. and the everyday me. All of the suppressed seeps, the vents of locked up self came bubbling to the surface again, making new cracks, wider fractures, breaking apart my surface self. This time daring me to try to patch them up, to cover them over with more nothingnesses. These revelations come with the tagline - THIS IS YOUR LIFE, ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE?

The answer, simply, is no.

Can i really let myself ignore this again? That my instincts are more to rely on a piece of plastic in my hand than my own heart? not now. I am tired of waiting - waiting "for my life to begin." Because waiting only brings more waiting. Or even worse, more DOing. DOing just to fill the time.... i'm sick of complaining about my life instead of living it. I'm exhausted from feeling like i need things so much... weary from all the procrastination.... and i'm done watching time go by as i get further and further from BEcoming who i want to BE, who I AM.

I can't wait for you all to meet that girl, if she can just flow free of her shell.