i'm too squishy

well, i was yelled at for not having a post since thursday... so here goes...
i’m actually dealing with some image problems today... more specifically feeling that my waistline is increasing lately. not so much around as straight forward.... and i don’t even drink beer! : ) why am i posting this on my blog, you might ask? not sure, really, other than i was thinking about it. my weight has fluxuated a lot over the past 6 years. at one point i weighed 45 pounds more than i did when i started college. and since have lost some, but never in 6 years have reached my goal of feeling like i’m the right weight for me.... the right level of fitness. i think i use the weight as a defense mechanism, with regards to relationships. sorta like this – because i’m not ‘skinny enough’ i’m attracting the wrong people, and then it’s no surprise when it doesn’t work out. but that it’s ultimately my fault, because i wasn’t right to begin with. i know it sounds stupid, but such is my brain. but it’s definitely something i need to beat, once and for all. and it’s not easy.