fallen

Can't sleep- thought i'd try to get some thoughts out.

This weekend wasn't what I thought it'd be... I'm not sure what i was expecting, but it wasn't what i ended up with. I certainly wasn't expecting to spend the last night in my apartment crying myself to sleep. I don't even know how long its been since that happened... it is strangely, strangely, cleansing though. i just had to let it out... i'd been holding it in... all these feelings and emotions that nobody but me even knew about. some of them i might never get to say. it's hard to let go. it's devastating to feel like you're not even allowed hope. and i'm tired of building up again, patching the walls. but what choice do i have?

as my 26th birthday is now closing in on me, I feel 25 as a whole really wasn't what i thought it was going to be either. In some ways i feel i took one step forward and two back. like a sticky pool of black quick sand -so many things remained stagnant. The unchanged rotting away my strength... gnawing at my very soul like muckety maggots. (i pause. *laugh* great imagery, huh?) yes, i know i've learned things this past year... but i'm not really sure i accomplished anything. i'm sure there'll be more reflections on this in the coming month- as i have time to breathe and think and reboot the whole system. and find a new way to climb back up the mountain. again. some people would say - how can you put in all that effort to get to the top, only to fall back down again? and i say "but have you seen the view?"

regarding a separate issue: at least the move is over. almost. i'm completely drained.