par-tay

I still have confidence issues. when i moved out i thought “I should have a party!” That was six months ago. but this Saturday is d-day. or, p-day, as the case may be. and i’m nervous about it. First there’s the agonizing over which day to pick, because if it’s a bad day then people won’t come. Then there’s the anxiety of “what is nobody comes” after sending out the evites. ok, fine, people say they’re gonna come, so lets just hope they stick to their word and show up. but then- what kind of food should i get? or what sort of drinks should i buy? what if my place just isn’t a good party place? what if people come and it’s awkward? or worse – what if people come and decide that it sucks and then leave!? these are my party issues.

so, yeah, i think that has to do with my self-confidence. I’m not trying to be down about myself. i know i’m cool – funny, nice, creative, easy to talk to. but i’m not always sure that i am able to project that so that others know i’m cool too.

perhaps it goes back to childhood trauma. I was never a “cool kid” – all the way up through high school. during elementary school, the neighborhood kids that came to my birthday parties were the same ones that made fun of me walking home or avoided me at recess. those were the ones i was trying to get acceptance from. i was even invited to a sleepover once because i was the girl they wanted to make fun of. no wonder i have issues.

Sure, we had parties at 1103, but there were 10 of us throwing it. Plus, you never had to worry about whether or not people would show up, because you knew there’d be at least 10! But this is my first party by myself, in my own place, where all of the details are taken care of by me. i’m freaked out!