digging up easter

Easter Sunday- it’s been a different sort than I would have expected. There have been a lot of emotions that I’ve been struggling with lately- although occasionally I’m able to hide them under the mask of the everyday routine and pretend things are ‘fine.’ And I feel that I’ve been doing that for a long time now. So I’ll have happy moments; a nice phone call here, a good dinner with a friend there, and even some quiet moments at home by myself where the singleness doesn’t bother me. But it’s all just skin. From the outside I seem fine. But underneath, from the inside, I feel numb. I feel like I’m failing at living my own life. I’m not taking care of myself.
Good Friday came… and I was uncomfortable about facing Christ. It’s so hard for me to let him in, and I don’t quite know why. I know the story, I grew up with it, I’ve heard it again and again. But seeing it, bearing witness to it, experiencing it was something I had never wanted to subject myself to. I was stubborn and adamant about remaining an outsider. This time though, there was no escape – no hiding behind all these walls I’ve built to protect myself, and the Lord was pulling at them, hard. And I cried. Wept. Mourned. I had a glimpse into the sea of calmness the He can provide after such a storm. But my heart is hard, and my instinct is to patch the hole in my wall rather than peer through the blinding sunshine to see what lies on the other side. I’m living in darkness, and it’s been of my own making… because I’ve been afraid. And I am afraid- that I’ll never make it past these walls because I’ll keep patching them up. No wonder I feel so numb.

Someone asked me recently “So how are you doing spiritually?” And I was actually offended. Perhaps this was in large part due to the who of who was asking, or the how it was asked, but after some thought came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone asking. It’s brought into light that I don’t understand my own Christian upbringing. How did I get here? I believe in God, but Jesus was hard. I know, I know, how can I be a Christian then? Let me try to sort it out. God to me is someone I can see in many things, in a beautiful sunrise, a tree stretching skyward, the awe of nature’s wonders. I can see Him in the miracles of science, the love of family, the smile of friendship. And I believe he sacrificed his son Jesus for us, so that we may know his love. But I don’t know Jesus. I went to Sunday school – I learned all the stories. But something about that upbringing didn’t work for me. I wasn’t instilled with the yearning for Jesus that I am embarrassed to see others display. It’s not something I talk about. I know that this must be attributed to my family. But it’s strange that I was the first to pull away, and now they all have fallen away, despite that I am trying to find my way back. I feel responsible.
What is the right way to meet Jesus?